Recently I was reading another blog (and that is another subject for another post), and came across a reference from Twyla Tharp’s wonderful and inspiring book, The Creative Habit. I am devouring the book a second time. Every morning, before my walk, I sit down with a cup of coffee and Twyla. I write in another journal the things that inspire me while I read as well as some of the ideas and quotes from the book.
It has been my habit for years to write my name and the date when I finish a book, just to help me recall when or sometimes if I had read it. Once in a while, not too often, I will go back and re-read a book. When I do, I find all kinds of ideas and inspirations that seem new to me. Did I forget or did I grow in such a way that I see things differently now? I think it is a combination of both, but I did not recall the excitement that I have now in this second reading. I highly recommend this book.
This photo was taken in Massena, New York when I was probably three. It has the seeds of my creative DNA. I see them loud and clear. Whenever I am doubtful about who I am or what matters to me, I go and look at this picture, and it clearly spells things out to me. My mother used to tell me a story when I reached adulthood, a story she often repeated, about my love of dolls, but not just any doll. When I was very young and would be given a doll as a gift, I would pick it up and stare at the face for the longest time. If I did not like what I saw there I would put it down and never touch it again. If I liked the expression I would carry the doll around until it fell apart.
I would venture to say that Twyla would call this my “creative hard-wiring or personality.” For me it is all in the details, the look, the touch, the color, the mood, the gesture. It simply has to fit some preconceived notion. Period. I am drawn to details, quiet, solitude, controlled stimulation, and lots of color.
I bought this teacup a number of years ago at an antique show. It was a bargain because of its slight crack and no saucer to set it in. It was love at first sight. I stare at it often. It gives me joy and inspiration. It is like the doll’s face. I never tire of reaching out for it and filling me up with good things, things I care about and love.
All of this really boils down to some thoughts I would like to share here about why I sometimes am a reluctant blogger. I like the medium but sometimes I find it a little overwhelming and challenging. I don’t like being pinned down sometimes either. I started blogging originally to share creative ideas and find others that I could connect with in this domain. After nearly three years (I had one year with another account), I discovered it had slowly become a very personal journal. Did I want this?
Did I really want to look inside myself and share all the details that I discovered there, good and bad. I don’t think so, not really, but how was I to be authentic without being raw and completely open for all the world to see? Sometimes I would awaken in the night and be aghast at something I had written or expressed. In the morning, it would not seem all that bad, but then I wondered how I could discern what was appropriate to disclose and what details of my life did I really want to share?
Essentially, I am a very introspective and quiet and thoughtful person. I love my time alone. I treasure it. Growing up my mother always wanted me to be social and a joiner. I had to be in the choir, pageant, girl’s club, and church youth group and later other organizations she deemed important. It was not who I was. My creative DNA was in the details I found around me and the beauty of nature and the profound and rich love I found in pets. I was a solitary traveler. I could have been a park ranger if I had sewing projects to keep me going in the long stretches of quiet.
I love to focus on one thing and glean what I can from it. Distractions are my number one enemy. If I am hauled away, I have a hard time returning to the point where I was in the moment of that concentration. Twyla says the two detriments to creativity are distractions and fears. Absolutely. So back to blogging….I fear exposure and the time I spend in this space is often my distraction. I found I was spending two and a half hours some mornings visiting other blogs and commenting or responding to comments on my blog. Suddenly my time was less for creative hours spent in solitude and more about keeping up with a social network. What was I to do?
I think since I am so drawn to detail that it is hard for me to sit down and respond sometimes to others on a regular basis because it takes an overwhelming amount of energy. I think this is also why I cannot enter a room full of people and not feel anxiety. I am hard-wired for one-on-one relationships and spaces between my effort to connect. I have to honor this. I simply have to finally recognize that I am not the typical blogger or emailer or internet person. I need lots and lots of time to restore my energy in order to reconnect and be social again. The world is too fast, too full of stimulation and energy. I need to rest in the quiet details and find solace and peace and restorative balm before I can be in the crowd again or the blogging world.
I can stay here at mendofleur if I am honest with myself, that sometimes I may respond to comments when I have the stamina for it. I will often visit other blogs and not leave comments, and I think that is alright too. Blogging etiquette requires rules for which I cannot always adhere. These are just some of my thoughts about my dilemma in this space. I long to have more hours in the day for actual creative work, and if I don’t get it, I feel depressed and frustrated. I want to live in the beauty of details and quiet moments every single day that I can manage. So I am going to try and be present in my own way at this medium. I am hoping it becomes more focused on my creative output versus my personal life. That is really my goal and wish. I simply do not want anyone to be hurt or offended if I sometimes seem absent. We are all hard-wired in our own and unique ways, and I am going to try and give myself the gift of creative time and solace in 2011.
