As I get older I become more set in my ways. Some are tolerable, as viewed by others, something I often find amusing. However, parts of me, huge parts are more personal. I view these as having been with me for a lifetime. In other words they seem so entrenched in my being it would be difficult for me to change any of them. I wear these ideas as if they were my skin. Perhaps they are just this. Maybe they are even part of my DNA. That said, I am not looking for an excuse to make the following pronouncement. I love being feminine!
For many years, especially during the ’80′s, I read lots of feminist literature, some very radical and forward-thinking. I focused on this subject because I truly believed that women should be equal in every way, especially in terms of education and career opportunities. I still believe this. I think women should be able to have as many degrees as they want and also grab any and all careers that they are yearning to master. Maybe this is a worn out subject, so I will not go any further with the politics of this. What prompted me to write on this subject was a comment I received awhile back from an Italian woman, Angela, who lives in Rome. She had seen my post on “Clothing for Us” and was kind enough to leave a very insightful comment. I could not forget what she said and how it suddenly took me back to the women’s movement in the early ’60′s and where we have gone, as women and men in our thinking. Some of it seems to have backfired in quite a number of ways.
Here is Angela’s comment:
“What a pleasure and comfort to find a blog like yours. I especially agree with the ‘age renaissance’, our wish for a rebirth after a life spent to seduce, attract, be conformed, respond to other’s demands. The elder age is finally for us, but free from the horrible grey, brown, black. I live in Rome, I’m Italian, and I feel that our sense of elegance cannot be expressed only through colors which deprive us of our fullness of life, here color is something transgressive, if chosen by an older lady. I’ve decided to not dye my hair anymore, and people are really astonished. But I’m feeling great!”
What shocked me about Angela’s comment was that her culture has not moved one bit from a female bias against aging women. I know in our country it is still a problem and, further, in another correspondence I had with Angela, she informed me that sewing and craft were not something that women would promote because it was not seen as “intellectual”. I was hoping this idea was changing since I see sewing coming back and women embracing this as a hobby or as a small business venture. Perhaps other countries are or will never see this as an avenue for women to find pride or comfort or a livelihood. However, there is too much discrepancy in our politics as women. We need to support all women in whatever field or form of living that we decide to express. That is true feminism.
So what are we born to be…..scientists, doctors, lawyers, engineers, educators (teachers), social workers, nurses, politicians? Is everything else considered beneath us….full-time mothers, actresses, artists, writers, seamstresses, quilt makers, gardeners ((and not always master gardeners), weavers……I have been tormented with these thoughts for years now. When Angela came to me and disclosed her feelings, I was grateful and yet saddened.
I find these early photos of my granddaughter so refreshing. Would you guess she was boy in the first one? I doubt it. In the second, she is what she is today and yet most parents have a fear of femininity, as if it is a curse. Sarah, my granddaughter, has
always been drawn to whatever is frilly, pink, or girlish and soft. Is this alarming to me that she perhaps will not be able to make it in the world of tough business and intellectual debate? Absolutely not. Will I gasp in horror if she decides she wants to learn how to sew or knit? Never.
About twelve years ago when my husband and I were buying a condominium in San Francisco, the real estate agent asked me what I did for a living. At the time I was not working since we had just re-located due to a transfer with my husband’s company. (Yes, I know I moved for him, but this is sometimes a balanced option for two people in a marriage.) I told her I was sewing and gardening a lot in Mendocino until we could settle in the city again. She was shocked that I would even admit to sewing. She made it perfectly clear that she never learned to sew a button on clothing because she would never admit to anyone that she even knew how to sew. To her it was considered a handicap. I have never forgotten this encounter and how it seemed to exemplify how women in Western culture have limited their options as well as their assets by refuting anything that might suggest a feminine liability. I find this both disheartening and alarming.
This subject was so huge, I hardly knew how to grasp it. I decided to begin with this part and then explore in the next segment how women can and need to retrieve the other parts of themselves that seem to have been thrown out with the lace and the softness.
Artist: Adolphe-William Bouguereau
I suspect your estate agent was in a situation where she needed to be one of the boys at that stage in her life. That was 12 years ago. If she hasn’t mellowed by now that is quite sad.
I also feel that with age comes freedom to both further know and be yourself. I had a great job as an history museum curator. I only really came to textiles after I retired.
This is quite a handicap as virtually everyone I know of my vintage has a much bigger skills base than I. Fortunately they are almost all extremely kind and helpful.
At present I’m on a course for Textile Design and am doing a 10 week class in Eco-Garments. I love it!
I think you are absolutely right about this agent. However, I have a feeling she probably will never pick up needle and thread to sew, her distaste was so obvious. Maybe she will knit or crochet.
Very interesting to know a little of your history. I really admire your viewpoint, and I think it is true and really wonderful that with age does come freedom to be as well as to know yourself better. Although, I am not sure every aging person follows this path, unfortunately. I think it has to be something that we are conscious of, and in some ways, guide ourselves in this direction.
You are one of a class of women that I love to follow. Good for you that you are pursuing this new and creative and inspiring path. Wonderful! And I would love to hear more about this Eco-Garments class. I recall that you were going to take it, and it would be informative and fun to hear what you are learning and how you are inspired.
When I was a little girl I loved my dolls. I had two and still have managed to hold on to one of them. I have encouraged my daughters to embrace feminism from the start. Pink everywhere and little hair bows and little lace embroidered dresses. I encouraged dolls but, I never forced anything upon them. Early on, (5) they were doing needlepoint and sewing. I felt even if they did not continue with this it was an important art that was dying away. (although now I see a resurgence). I continue to instill in them to stand on their own two feet and not depend upon any one else for anything. Be strong, know who you are, go for a good education and then someday when you have “built your house on a firm foundation” you can go into a relationship based upon strength. Lastly, if one can not sew a button on then I see this not as some great achievement but, quite the opposite.
If all women were raised with these concepts, then I would say we would all be happier and more balanced. Your daughters are indeed very fortunate to have a mother with this standard and strength. I also loved my dolls and still have twol that were very much cherished when I was young. I know dolls are not a prerequisite to being feminine, but I think for some it is an avenue to finding a way to adjust and meet a world that increasingly sells less tolerance for much that is tender and gentle.
Never being ruffled by the feminist views and believing women deserved equality in whatever they decided to pursue I am amazed some believe sewing is demeaning.
We are part of the whole of all women. Whatever our choices of a career, or our choices of hobbies.
I do know what it is to come out from under the expectations to maintain a certain weight, color your hair, wear make up and fit in to the female persona. It is a heavy weight to bear and I did it for years. No more, no more.
I’m settling down now, into the real me, looking toward health, and maintaining healthy attitudes and pursuits.
I look forward to your posts on Femininity. Young girls of today do not deserve to be subjected to the pressures I, now at 63 and raised in the south, had to live under.
Yes, I am aware of the pressure of Southern women. But I must admit, I think you all are a very refined and gracious group that seem to ease into any social setting. I suppose I am engaging in “racial profiling,” but it is meant to be positive. That said, your words were inspirational!
For me, I have more to learn as I go along at my older age. I have much work to do, but I think if I am aware of this, then surely there might be some hope for recovery and growth. It is women like you that give me the gift of insight and encouragement. Thank you for being this strong role model!
well a series like this may never end. i never joined any groups… as much as i agree with many feminist views, i cannot subscribe to the group mentality. never deny your humanity, what ever shape it takes. now that i am away form “the scene” i feel much more freedom and health in simply being who i am. i think sometime we become twisted in environments that cram too many people into one place.
As I started writing this, that was my very thought…”what am I doing taking on a subject so vast and complex and political?” I guess this is why I broke it into 2 parts when really it could be a unending thesis!
Somehow, I missed this along the way, “never deny your humanity.” I think this is a quote I will keep up in my room just to remind myself of this every day for the rest of my life. It is a seemingly simple idea, but I have not adhered to this ever in my life. Approval was etched into my very being from a time I cannot even remember. It was so huge that it is now taking me a vast effort to overcome. You are so right about environments influencing us in “twisted” ways. Large groups have never been my forte anyway. I become easily overwhelmed and scattered amidst numbers of people. You always have healthy ideas to pass along here and in your blog, a philosophy of life that is strong and enduring.
Well this is a big topic…and an important one. Thinking about my personal experience, I can’t say that I’ve ever felt a pressure to not work with fibers because it would be an anti-feminist thing to do. I’d be just as willing to try crafts seen as “masculine.” One year my parents gave me a skill saw for Christmas! But I can’t say that my upbringing was very normal (oh my mother is going to be laughing about that one!). I didn’t realize until I was in college what a gift I had been given…confidence to do the things I love.
Where I can say I have brushed up against expectations, not from family, has been in career choices. In some circles, I’ve let down the feminist movement and wasted my college education by being a caregiver of children.
I think that to be able to retrieve what is feminine in ourselves, in our society today, has to come with a willingness to be different. To not be normal…
Deb’s mom replies Not normal but oh what a experience and we survived… And to add to this conversatiion…Deb has a grandmother who at 86 still irons everything in her wash….even the sheets and pillow cases. Who would have loved to have been a engineer .
I had to laugh about Deb’s grandmother. My mother ironed all of her sheets and pillow cases too! I thought everyone did this for a very long time. Now the only time I iron pillow cases is if I am having overnight guests, including my children. So she would have loved to have been an engineer? Maybe she assuages her loss or her dream by ironing, finding her peace in those moments.
Well, you had great parents. I can see that! I have to admit I do not think I was as balanced with my three children, but they all are good and loving and strong individuals that have followed healthy paths and careers.
Your last paragraph really rang true with me. It is pretty much my whole life-long story of always being different, of never choosing the thing that seemed “right” or “normal.” I always managed to take the alternate more difficult, less approved role in whatever I did. I applaud you, Deb. You have chosen a career that is obviously one that is close to your heart, and in life, I think this might be more rare than we imagine. I do not think education is ever, ever wasted. Education is a process of growth and discovery, not one of being matched to a role and then being pigeonholed to stay there. What you have achieved is also a sense of yourself and the peace that you have found there. You have embraced who you are! I like what jude said too about never denying your humanity. Obviously, this has been what you have accomplished at a much earlier age than many, myself included.
My Grandmother came from England. She was the youngest of 13 children (not all survived). Maybe she was over indulged but what she told my Mother was “Do not learn to iron or sew.” At that time, I assume, men could be overbearing and to know how to do these things would allow the dominion by men to envelope the woman.
My Mother could not iron or sew very well. I took over the responsibility of my own clothes at around 10. I felt good about all this. I felt responsible for myself, which is something I totally enjoyed. I think that we seek our own comfort level.
To iron well is an art. I have not achieved it but it is always pleasant to wear a well ironed blouse.
I do find that all the work that women have done to emancipate woman is now enjoyed by all of us. The younger generation of men are much more accepting of the woman’s need for expression. I applaud the new formulas that these younger woman live by.
What I think is of major importance is to accept each person as a whole. Whatever calls them, they should follow. And it is not for the others to pass judgment.
Acceptance and non-judgment is what I strive for. Not that I have achieved even a semblance of it but it is the mountain I try to climb.
To be the last of 13 children must have been a unique experience, to say the least. I think this was such a different time. Its funny, but my mother loved to iron and she hated dusting because this was what she had to do growing up. I love to sew, but am not fond of ironing unless it is very nice linen or a piece of beautiful fabric or lace. I do think to iron well is an art, and it has become one of the things we have lost in our culture. Younger people either do not iron or buy clothes that do not need to be ironed. My mother ironed beautifully because she loved it.
I think much good has been passed along by every generation of women. We also tend to assimilate the things we identify with and care about, and as we age, I think we re-discover some of these things that perhaps, in the past we could not accept because it might have been out of fashion. We embrace things later in life that are truly the essence of what we are. At least for myself, I am finding this to be true.
Your ideas are similar to the others who have taken the time to share and respond on this personal level. When I read yours along with the others, I was so inspired by the strength and courage that had been conveyed. If only we could all strive for “acceptance and non-judgment” that would be such an ideal for the entire world. I guess it means we should start in our own small worlds and spread the word in our deeds as we go along.
I love that photo of your sweet granddaughter all dressed in pink with angel wings! And I love the subject of this post. The first thing your post made me think of was my experience of “women”s liberation” in the 1970s and 1980s, when I re-entered the “real world” after having lived a very counter-culture life for ten years (a life in which women were doing arts and crafts, gardening, and mothering in a pioneer-type life-style). In the real world, I found married women with children working full-time jobs. Half of these women had husbands who also worked, but I would say that half of them were not only the main breadwinners but often the sole breadwinners. They had become so liberated (and not necessarily by their own efforts and desires) that they now shouldered the burden of producing an income for the family, plus grocery shopping, doing the laundry, cooking, parenting. I felt that “women’s liberation” had gone terribly astray. I love the choices that women have nowadays, but I feel we are still a long way from making things “equal.” And is it equality we want, or is it something else? I am thinking that you have put your finger on what has gone astray: something terribly important having to do with femininity. xo Kari
You have hit on a real solid question…”is it equality we want, or is it something else”? Wild Magnolia wrote that she did not believe that there was equality for women, and I tend to feel the same way. Would I want my daughters fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan in the same manner as the men if they were in the service? I think not. Yet the idea that women can have the same education and credentials as a man and not be offered the same salary or compete for the same advancement, I find this grossly unfair. Basically, it is a convoluted and very political and controversial subject. It is not a black and white issue now or ever. I guess this is why we simply choose what we do and then learn to thrive in those choices. To do otherwise is to risk the loss of peace and that elusive happiness.
I find it so interesting to that you have lived in those two worlds, so you can honestly see inside both of them from a more sensitive and experienced viewpoint. I do think that because of divorce and all the ramifications implied, there are far too many women shouldering responsibility that is overwhelming too much of the time. This seems to give me some ideas for further exploration, but how do we begin to know or express just what it is we are after as a gender? I suddenly had this visual of all women in study courses debating the same thoughts. Did I open a can of worms? I think I did!
Thank you for quoting me, Phyllis, and for giving us always a pleasant impulse for reflection.
When I started my navigation in the American blogs about sewing and fabric arts, I wondered why these were inexplicably only a few in Italy, where sewing manufacture is a leading industry. If we consider the point from a historical point of view, sewing was traditionally reserved to two categories of women: the very poor, obliged to make their own clothes, and the very rich, who learned fine arts just to amuse themselves. Now the industrial production and lack of leisure time has interrupted this practice. Moreover, a general lack of interest to preserve traditional craftmanship has impoverished our popular culture.The interesting note by Kari about 70′s and 80′s counter-culture, makes me think that in Italy this involved quite exclusively a selected circle of young people and ‘major’ arts, but not sewing or embroidery.
This implies that women’s enthusiasm is hardly converted into a business, unlike in other countries.
What a treasure to have a differing point of view from an Italian perspective. I can see how it evolved in your country. I think that from the historical perspective that you mentioned, this was most likely the case in a lot of countries, including the US. Poor women had to sew to clothe their families and the richer women found leisure arts: quilt making, needlepoint, embroidery, and cross-stitch, etc. an outlet for their otherwise rather dull (I think) lives. I think it is sad, however, that in your country women are reluctant to embrace any craft because it is not seen as intellectual or probably serious. It is a judgment that implies control, the control of a male dominated culture over women in how they earn their living or spend their leisure time, now very limited, as we all know.
The word you used “impoverished” is very strong and powerful. I think this describes much of what has happened in your culture. Italy has always had the finest crafts (would you call them guilds?) and to think these are now being lost due to global production in third world countries as well as past industrialization and loss of skills. These arts are dying out in certain countries, the art of embroidery and lace-making, etc. How very tragic this is. And the history of cloth in your country is so vast and fine. Yet, when something is no longer deemed important or valuable, it becomes obsolete.
I appreciate you sharing this point of view. Until I read your previous comments I was not aware of this loss in your culture. Thank you for taking the time to share this with all of us who manage to find solace in this slow process of sewing.
What a great topic, Phyllis. I have read the interesting thoughts that all your other commenters were stimulated to write. Its a good conversation. I have always loved ruffles, lace and full swirly skirts. I was a little tom boy who loved to climb trees and afterward to take a bath, get cleaned up and put on a pretty dress for dinner. I was fortunate enough to have been given opportunities to explore both worlds and develop both sides of my psyche. I think the problem lies in the ever present exploitation of women all over the world by businesses, corporations, institutions, cartels, schools, churches, etc. who use raw power to oppress us in myriad ways. Women are vulnerable (and it makes us hate ourselves and reject our femininity) because our bodies were designed to nurture life, not destroy it. We need and deserve support to do our jobs. Society is mostly set up to isolate us from one another to raise our families. As long as we are isolated and can be overpowered by a man, or an institution, we are vulnerable, we are less valuable. Maybe there are a few women who have the physical strength to fight back, but most of us don’t, and that just promotes more violence, anyway. And there are certainly plenty of liberated women who have entered those male institutions to work and even prosper. But that doesn’t change the gender imbalance, the myth of our inferiority. It takes collective female power–standing together with all our sisters– to claim our power as half the world. I want to read “They Hold Up Half The Sky” which explains this concept really well. Then I can be more intelligent in my comments. Please note, I say all this as a happily married woman. I don’t hate men, (my husband irons better than I do!) I just hate the institutionalized oppression of women ( and men too) that will happen as long as greedy corporation’s interests are held to be more sacred than life-promoting, feminine interests. There are actually many men on our side in this issue. Its corporate personhood, run amok with greed, that is harming everyone and preventing people from being who and what they are meant to be, because these corporations have most of the money and can influence what governments can do for their citizens. We are in a serious mess, so, Ruffles Unite! Keep sewing. Keep your needles sharp and share with other women what you know.
Wow, Julia!! Amen to all of that. I am impressed, to say the least. Where do I even begin to respond to such a powerful, intelligent analysis of this topic? I am with you on every single thought and idea and belief you expressed. This “myth of our inferiority” as well as “the institutionalized oppression of women” is really the center of this all I think. Now I am curious about this book that you mentioned. I will have to do a little research on Amazon. I love the title. Obviously, you are very well informed or you would have not been able to express these solid and profound ideas. I think we all need to organize a conference called the United Ruffles. We could all bring our current projects and just hash this out while drinking wine or tea or coffee and eating our best recipes that we would bring to share. Thank you for this statement, the wealth of your insight, and for taking the time to share this. I appoint you president of the organization!
Incredibly interesting, so very thought-provoking as always Phyllis!
When I was younger, I could argue against inequality with the best of them, and heaven help the man who raised the subject with me, I would soon be able to put him ‘in his place’… Germaine Greer was quite an idol of mine, I read all her books with horror and anger at the way we as women were taken advantage of and kept in submsion in our patriarchal society. It especially made me angry to think that a lot of women seemed to actively support men, and keep them in their dominant position in society, and to put down any woman who tried to change the status-quo. Not much sisterhood there… Then one day, a few years ago, I saw a TV programme about Germaine Greer in her 50s or 60s, pottering about in her home, baking bread, gardening, reading, studying, writing etc etc. I was really, really moved by her sense of peace and purpose, her true, strong femininity, and it all clicked into place. I them laughingly proclaimed myself to be a ‘domestic feminst’, I wholeheartedly believe that women are feminine, men are masculine, but that shouldn’t make one more important than the other, quite simply, one is Yin, the other Yang. I have found my true sense of balance in my pursuit of whatever interests m – my feminine interests – mostly simple things, like growing my own food, cooking, preserving, all the traditional things that I can fit into my days. Life is too short to feel any other way!
I don’t think I have explained what I feel very well, it is hard to put it into words without it sounding like a rant or too trite. I suppose what I am saying, is that all our feminine traits should be celebrated, and if we have to struggle at all, it should be to somehow get equal value accorded to what nowadays seems menial to some, but without which, we couldn’t survive as a species…
I am well versed on Germaine Greer too. Our paths, Lois, have been quite parallel. I used to feel very angry and resentful about our lot as women and how unfair it all seemed. But, all of the emotional fretting was really exhausting, and at some point, the timing eludes me, I decided to give up the fight and just look at living as best I could. I think the difficult part of this was living with the knowledge, having developed this consciousness, and yet finding a way to accept that I could not change some things in my lifetime. I did not know Germaine Greer had settled into her late middle years in such a mellow glow. I find this so very inspiring and somehow comforting. What a perfect life for an intelligent woman…to garden, bake, read, study, and write. This sounds like an enviable life for any woman! I think, too, as we get older, there is a justified settling into our age. For me this means simplifying things and lowering my expectations of what can be accomplished in 24 hours. I am also tending to think that a day in the garden is as important as a day spent trying to be productive, however one defines productive. Being feminine is also about honoring the right to be nurturing to not only others but oneself as well. You have explained all of this beautifully as you always do. You always get to the heart of the matter, no question. I sometimes think, too, that women who blog about their lives as creative beings are really taking this subject to another level. It is as if we are uniting from so many parts of the world to come together to support, inspire, and love each other in a healthy, non-threatening, and accepting way. And I love your term “domestic feminist”! Do you mind if I borrow it?